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We just went through a stretch of really long shifts, ten in a row to be exact. I can’t remember a time when my husband worked that many days in a row. His schedule changed at a moment’s notice, I had no clue when he’d come home (even more so than usual), and barely heard from him when he was gone.
The balance we worked hard to maintain as a couple and parents, completely toppled over in my direction. It was all me from wake-up to bedtime with two young kids. While this by itself could describe many families, what makes first responder ones like ours different is the added worry and what they could be exposed to during their time away. The emotional component of something happening to him is a heavy layer on top and adds to the exhaustion of the long hours.
Until recently (the last year or so), when exhaustion set in, anger and resentment weren’t far away for me. They were easy to grab and hold onto for some reason. I quickly entered blame territory and in my mind it made sense this was his fault. It would build until my husband was finally off. Then, because anger, resentment, and blame are not fun to feel, I blew up and hurled them in his direction. Getting it out made me feel better momentarily, but the only thing it really did was increase the separation we already felt from so much time apart. His valid response of shock, hurt, and anger didn’t make sense to me and created a further divide. We’d spend hours talking it out before reaching a place where we both felt heard, validated, and could move forward.
Since we didn’t really put changes into place, inevitably the pattern continued the next time he was away for an extended period of time. The small silver lining is that we learned more about each other and became slightly closer but it sure wasn’t worth what we went through to get there.
I was in the playroom cleaning up one evening when something came to me suddenly. It was one of those light-bulb moments where I remember where I was standing and the box I was putting toys away in. I was exhausted and felt the all too-familiar feelings of anger and resentment bubbling up. I paused. I asked myself, “what is happening”, and “what is it that I’m not giving myself right now”?
The answer was that I wasn’t taking care of myself. The phrase “you can’t show up for others, if you don’t show up for yourself” lit up like a neon red sign in my mind. It was then I decided to make a change. It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t a straight line, but I was committed. It’s what Maya Angelou said “Do the best until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”.
Here are a few of the things I (and we) now do better when my husband works long hours:
Not doing it alone. You’re not meant to do this alone. Spending long periods by yourself is lonely. If you have kids, ask your parents or siblings to help and get them to take the kids for a day or after school. If that’s not an option, get together with a neighbour or friend (bonus if they’re a first responder family that gets it) and the kids can play with each other, get their energy out, and maybe even give you a few minutes to socialize with another adult. If you know someone nearby who has kids that go to the same extracurricular activities, take turns driving. It creates a sense of community where you feel supported and cared for.
Acknowledging feelings. It makes sense you’re exhausted. It’s also ok if you feel angry, resentful, or anything else! I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel these at all anymore. The difference is what you do with them. Use them as signs to take care of yourself.
Powerful pauses. After pausing the first time, I deliberately started doing it when feelings came up that had the potential to separate us. In the beginning it feels forced and not natural. Push through because over time, after repeating it over and over, it’s automatic. After the pause, check-in with yourself and ask what you need. I bet almost always the answer will be to take care of yourself.
Swap perspectives. My husband and I were so focused on what we were doing to just get through the days- him at work, and me, the house, work and kids, our blinders were on to what the other was doing and feeling. Take time, even a minute of the day to take each other’s perspective. For us it looks like me knowing that he’d rather be here than working all those hours, that he’s exhausted, and doing his best. For him, he acknowledged everything I was doing at home, thanked me, and didn’t take it personally when I said I was tired.
Prepare for the time away. Make simple meals that can last a couple days. Talk about what your partner can do in the little time they have at home. If my husband’s home in the morning, he always makes breakfast for everyone. The washer is set to go off early in the morning and he’ll throw it into the dryer before he leaves. We get the upstairs ready for bedtime during the day and the downstairs ready in the evening for the next morning.
Keeping the same routine. It can be tempting to change routines, especially when it’s just you. Before kids (and rarely now), binge watching tv was my kryptonite. The next morning is never worth it, especially during a stretch on your own.
Taking time and re-balancing. The time away will end. And when it does, make a point of taking time for you. Go out with a friend, do something for yourself, or sleep in. If you have kids, it gives your partner the opportunity to reconnect with them. It also does double-duty of restoring balance.
Love always,
Chrissy
P.s. As I’m writing this, my husband got called out again (and one of my kids is home sick). I truly understand this life and you’re not alone. There’s comfort in that. If you would like support, I’m here. My free chats are 45 minutes right now. Find a time that works for you using the button below.