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First responders face tough situations every day, and it changes them. I’m not talking about mental health issues and PTSD (I’ll leave that to the therapists and doctors). I’m referring to the subtle changes. The ones that have you looking over your shoulder back at them when they say something you don’t expect or cause you to tilt your head in confusion. The caring, open, and sensitive person you love is hardening, not bothered by things they used to be, and making jokes about serious events. In an effort to hold onto them, you get upset and cling to judgment.
I get it. I’ve done this too. I often said “I hate cop Cam” as a way to separate who my husband was at work and home. This didn’t create a supportive environment for him to explain what was happening and why. I’ve learned over time that it's important to understand the changes and the purpose they serve.
Here are a few changes you may see in your partner*:
Hardening: The Shield they Build to Protect Themselves
You might notice your partner becomes less emotional the longer they’re on the job. The initial calls that hit them hard don’t affect them in the same way. It's not that they don't care; it's just that they've seen a lot. Dealing with emergencies all the time can make them put up a wall to protect themselves.
Hypervigilance: It Happens at Home Too
Being a first responder requires heightened alertness for a long period of time and it comes home. It may even pop back up if you live in the same area they work or go to places where they may recognize someone from their job. It might seem like they’re not enjoying themselves or able to relax. This is their body’s way of keeping them safe.
Perspective Changes: Small Stuff Doesn't Bother Them
Things that you’re concerned about may not bother them. It's not that they don't care about your feelings; it's just that their job puts things in perspective. They've seen really tough stuff, so the problems you see may not seem as big or important to them.
Dark Humor: It’s a Coping Tool
Your partner might have developed a dark sense of humour. Laughing in a tough situation can ease stress. It can also help them bond with colleagues. It might catch you off guard, but it's a coping mechanism to deal with what they see every day.
Now that you know some of the changes that could happen, what do you do?
Here are some tips that may help both of you:
Be curious and seek to understand: Coming from a place of wanting to know more vs. judgment will keep the lines of communication open. It creates a safe space where they can feel supported.
Give them space, time, and validation. It could be that the above are reactions that will fade as they transition away from work.. Discuss together what your first responder needs when they first come home.
It’s ok to voice your concerns. You don’t have to agree and you can gently challenge them, especially if what’s happening is not aligned with your family values or they seem very different from who you know they are.
Keep an eye on them. While these changes are common, they can be signs of mental health issues or trauma relating to their job. You’re the one that will notice changes first.
If you’d like more support on how to navigate the changes in your first responder, I’d love to help.
Love always,
Chrissy
*Disclaimer- Although I am a coach with over 13 years of experience in the first responder life, all content and information on this website is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical or health advice and not a substitute for any kind of professional support. Do not rely solely on this information and consult a professional in the area of your particular needs and circumstances prior to making any professional, legal, medical, health, and/or financial-related decisions.