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Before and after becoming a partner of a police officer.
It was 2007. We were in our early 20’s and had been dating for just a few months when Cam told me he wanted to be a police officer. I responded with giddy excitement, feeling so proud of him for wanting to serve his community in that way.
I grew up very rural- meaning on a dirt road, surrounded by farms, with more tractors passing by than any other vehicles. The road I lived on didn’t even have a name until I was a teenager. My parents worked 9-5 jobs so being home for supper was never a question. There was a predictable routine and I thrived on that. The only exposure I had to the police was the safety officer that came to my public school or when I saw someone pulled over for what I assumed to be speeding.
Fast forward to 2007 with Cam looking into my eyes for an answer or some sort of acknowledgment that I would support him on this path. With my limited experience, of course I was excited. If I’m being honest, even if I had more understanding, my answer would have likely been the same. I loved him and like anything in life, you really don’t get it until you’re in it (queue every parent’s response about having a child).
Cam knew more about what he was getting into. His Dad was also a police officer. I don’t remember hearing stories about his time as an officer. Perhaps it was because it took time to build trust or that he was retired for years before I came into the picture. Whatever the reason,my naive picture of a police life remained.
It was 3 more years until Cam got hired on by the service he dreamed of. It was in the community he was born and raised in and the one his Dad served on as well.
We didn’t live together when he first became an officer. I had moved an hour away to start my career and so our time was spent in the evenings on the phone and together on weekends. We didn’t talk about what life together as a police couple would be like. The thought never crossed my mind.
Shortly after he started on the road, he got the nickname “$h!t magnet”. He heard from experienced officers (and then relayed to me), that “this has never happened before” or “I haven’t seen this in 20 years”. This was said with humour but I didn’t find it funny. I became extremely worried and angry that his safety seemed to be a joke. I didn’t talk to him about it because he was the one facing the dangerous situations and layering my emotions on top of that surely wouldn’t help. We both held back, unsure of how to talk to one another about this new life we were in,
There was one call in particular that it all changed. I can remember exactly where I was, who I was with, what restaurant, table, and direction I was facing when he called saying he was in the hospital. He gave me a general overview of what happened, that he was getting checked out, and then going back on his shift. He was calm, told me not to come, that he was fine, and I believed him. When I did come back hours later, it was a different story. It wasn’t from him, but I was told “I should have known to come back” and that I “just have to get it”. That was the first time I felt like I had no idea how to navigate police life- and I didn’t.
So why do I tell you all of this in my first blog post? Am I trying to scare you or give you a doom and gloom idea of what it’s like to be a police wife/partner? Heck no! I want to share my story so you feel you can share yours and know your experience and feelings are valid.
If I could, I would go back in time and tell my younger police wife self this:
Ask questions. How do you support each other? What does a day in the life of an officer look like? Is there another police spouse you can talk to?
Communicate deeply and honestly. Talk openly about how much information is ok to share from work. Have regular check-ins (even 5 mins) after each shift.
It’s ok to talk about your feelings, have them validated, and ask for what you need.
Worry is normal. It will eventually fade to a twinge.
You don’t “just have to get it”. This is not a typical life to adjust to. It takes time. Be kind give yourself compassion.
He’s brave and so are you. You are both serving the community.
You need support too. From them, other police spouses, friends, therapist, and/or your future coach self!
You’re not alone and you don’t have to navigate this on your own. I would love to hear your story.
Love always,
Chrissy