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You made it! You made it through a long shift or several long days of them being away. You missed each other terribly. You both talked about how amazing it would be when they’re off and you can spend time together. When they first get home, they’re exhausted (and so are you). You wake up the next morning excited for the day. So why don’t they seem to be? They seem irritable, distracted, and unable to relax. You can feel the tension and start to wonder if you did something wrong or you’re upset because they’re finally here and they don’t seem happy about it. This isn’t the peaceful start to the day or the reconnection you imagined.
I get it. This just happened to me and my husband. I was sitting in the living room enjoying a cup of coffee. My husband came in and didn’t say anything. He immediately started doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen with a scowl on his face. I didn’t respond immediately, and as I sat there I found myself getting upset. After almost 2 weeks, we were finally together and this is what it’s like? I went over to him with anger starting to build and ready to defend everything I’ve done to keep the house together while he was gone. My first question was “Are you ok?”. It wasn’t in a supportive tone, but more accusatory, as in, you should be ok.
He started with “I’m exhausted” and I responded with “why don’t you sit down?”. He said he couldn’t, that he was irritable, and had to keep doing things. All I wanted was to slow down and he was speeding up. It wasn’t the breeding ground for connection that I so desperately craved.
After our morning walk, he explained that he had all this energy going through him that he needed to get out. He wanted to be here and spend time with us but it was difficult after having to be constantly on at work for such a long time. When he talked about it in this way, it made more sense and put me at ease. It wasn’t something I did or didn’t do. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy about being at home. It was a physical and mental response- the hypervigilance required for him to respond to potential threats was still there.
I’m used to him coming home from a shift and doing dishes and other things around the house to regain the control he doesn’t have at work. We’ve talked about this before and so when he’s cleaning I know why and don’t take it as something I didn’t do. What we didn’t prepare for was the much more challenging transition home due to the length of time he was working. We were focusing on getting through each day so thinking ahead to the end just wasn’t something we thought of or had energy for.
We know this will happen again. Before and when it does, this is what we will do:
Not assume the transition will be smooth. Just because we can’t wait to see each other and spend time together as a family, doesn’t mean the adjustment is going to happen without us doing anything.
Talk about it before he comes home/before it happens. What does he need when he first comes home or the next day? Maybe it’s a certain amount of time, avoiding big conversations, or being flexible with plans. What do I need? Is it reconnection or time by myself without responsibilities?
I won’t take it personally. When he doesn’t speak right away and appears upset, I know it won’t have anything to do with me. He’ll reinforce that by saying “I’m happy to be here and want to be here” like he did this time. I’ll know that this is part of transitioning home and I’ll be better equipped to support the process without having my guard up.
I’ll remember what’s happening is both physical and mental. His body is still in a heightened state that’s required to stay safe while on shift. The mental and physical impacts may last a day or two. Giving him time and space (and being aligned on what that looks like) will help make his transition smoother and our reconnection faster.
Appreciate and validate each other even more. Both of us will acknowledge this has been a difficult time and that we appreciate what the other has done at work and home. It helps tremendously when we’re in the thick of it AND afterwards. It’s a reminder we’re a team and keeps us closer when we’re apart and back together.
Love always,
Chrissy
P.s. I have resources to support you and your first responder with transitioning home in my free Resource Bank here. There are books, podcasts and a conversation template called “Transitioning Home Talk and Tips” to help develop a coming home plan that works for you!
If you would like more support with this, my 45-minute complimentary chats are a great place to start.