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They can be heroes at home too.
Nothing prepared me for having a child. Not my parents saying “One day, you’ll understand” or any parenting book and not even friends that have kids before us. What I did know is that we would figure it out together, just like we did everything else, including policing life.
After having our first son, my husband was able to take the first few weeks off as we adjusted to being a family of 3. We worked together as a team around the clock. He would hold him while I had a shower. When our son would wake up in the night, he would get up, change his diaper, and hand him to me. We developed a wonderful routine and partnership.
When he had to go back to work, a new layer of loneliness and exhaustion set in that I hadn't experienced before. I could count the number of times on one hand that my husband and I argued. Now they seemed to happen a lot more. We’d look at each other after with a half-smile and say “Do we need to talk about this?” and the answer was almost always no with a little chuckle. Shifts felt long just the two of us and the cold winter didn’t help. I found support outside the house. I met a group of women with babies the same age. I can’t speak highly enough of having a group of women going through the exact same thing at the same time. There’s such a huge comfort in knowing someone is up in the middle of the night and can answer a question or provide validation.
New challenges came when I went back to work full-time. Work had to matter even more than it did before if I was spending so much time away from my son. I struggled with my own expectation of being 100% on at work and 100% on at home. I subscribed to what society was telling me- sacrificing myself was being a good mom; putting other people’s needs above my own made me worthy. Let me tell you, that’s bull$h!t and the quickest way to burnout. My expectations were unattainable. I realized I needed to fill my own cup. I changed my commuting days to when my husband was home so it felt better working away knowing he was at home with our son. We created routines for the morning and evening that served all of us. It does get easier with time, and we made more and more changes to make it so. I eventually worked full-time from home, managed my energy differently for afternoon shifts, Cam applied for units that included less or no overnight shifts, and we continued working on ourselves as individuals and redefining ourselves as a couple.
Here are my top tips for parenting with a first responder:
Accept support: When your partner has to go back to work, plan for who will help. If not offered, ask for people to drop food off, run errands, hold your baby so you can have a shower.
Find your people: Other Moms with babies the same age are key. This will create an immediate bond and comfort.
Going back to work: Accept that you will not be the same person as you were before and adjusting expections of youself at work and home will help the most.
Don’t forget yourself: With increased demands and less time, it can be easy to lose yourself. Putting yourself first will allow you to show up for others.
Look for ways to make things easier: Talk with your partner on how it can be easier for both of you. Look at what can be changed to have more time, energy and presence at home.
I can support you with all of this in my Police Wife Academy program that covers everything you need to thrive as a spouse of a first responder. I’ve turned over 10 years of my experience into 10 weeks. You don’t have to do this alone or take years like I did to figure it out.