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The ups and downs of living with a first responder.
Deciding to buy a house together was an exciting and magical time. It was the first time in our relationship where we were able to prioritize each other. We met in university and agreed our education and families would come first. Following our education we focused on building our careers. Now years later, we were finally able to focus on intertwining our lives instead of growing separate ones. It felt like a split road finally converging into one.
It was also the first time I experienced the loneliness of being on my own during afternoon shifts and waking up on my own during midnights. I enjoyed eating or watching anything I wanted, going out with a friend, and seeing family on the weekends he worked. It provided an automatic balance between him and the rest of my life. It still did get lonely being the only one in the house. This is what likely led to me getting a kitten shortly after we moved in together. Another living thing in the house provided comfort. A year later we added a puppy into the mix and it made me realize one of the benefits of shift work. He was able to be there for the pets during the day while I worked full-time. He could run errands during the week when it was less busy. He got to know our local bank tellers, didn’t have to wait in lines, and we could enjoy being with each other on weekends when he wasn’t working.
I started seeing changes in him more when it was just the two of us. While I saw my perspectives widening after moving from the country to the city, it seemed like his were narrowing. He was less trusting, hypervigilant of his surroundings, and had a hard time turning off. I initially approached this from judgment vs. curiosity. I didn’t want the caring and thoughtful person I fell in love with to change. It took me a long time to understand that it was the hardening and armour he needed to be able to do his job well and come home safe.
One of the upsides of being a partner of a first responder is becoming part of the badge (in my case, blue) family. The shift parties, events, and getting to know other wives was incredibly connecting as they understood this life just as much or more than I did. I remember one night where Cam was on holidays and we were just about to go to sleep and his shift thought it would be funny to put on the sirens and shine the light in our bedroom window. It was hilarious (maybe not to our neighbours) and it showed how connected and loved we were.
The connection goes way deeper than that. Early on in Cam’s career, an officer on his force died while on duty. While I didn’t know her personally, it rippled throughout the community. It was heartbreaking and beautiful to see so many people come together. The support and lasting effects was something I’ve never seen. For me personally, the realities of the job sunk in. It prompted conversations about safety and I felt more comfortable talking about my worries. We started communicating at a deeper level, him opening up about his days and discussing both our needs regularly. This isn’t a life for everyone. Pride in what he does, being grateful for what this life gives us, and our love for each other keeps us going. It also took (and still takes) a lot of effort as individuals and commitment as a couple to navigate this life together.
Here are my top tips for living with a first responder:
Curb the loneliness. See it as an opportunity to explore your own interests, hobbies, see people you might not otherwise.
See the positives. Time off during the week is amazing. Knowing they’re able to get stuff done/be home when you’re not is oddly satisfying.
Be curious about changes. Discuss and ask questions to understand and not judge.
Becoming part of the badge family. The connection with other first responders and their spouses, especially at the beginning when you’re trying to figure everything out, is invaluable.
Have deep and open conversations from the beginning. Having a foundation of love and support will allow you to navigate the difficult times together.
I can support you this and more as a spouse of a first responder. You don't have to do this alone or take years to figure it out.